desperation

133.4
I cannot break 133 apparently. I'm trying so hard. no one could possibly understand what I'm going through. Alot of anorexics get upset with themselves because they eat and then they gain weight, but I haven't been eating! I've been staying under 300 cals, sometimes under 200. I just don't understand at all. i actually gained weight. ugh. disgusting. I always seem to gain weight when I go to swim practice, but I have to go, It's probably one of the only things keeping me partially sane. and already it's suffering from my lack of nutrition. I just can't give that up, I don't want to get that bad, but don't think i haven't considered it. I think about it more then you could possibly realize. I need to be in the 120's, desperately. and soon. My swim meet is next saturday, so I will need some food to be able to compete in that, but if I'm not at least 130 by next sunday then absolutely no food until I am.

so yesterday aside from what I already posted I also ate
dinner: one third of a subway 6 inch sandwich, 100 cal
snack: two small spoonfuls of ice cream, 50 cal
that put me around 250 cals for the day, and I burned around 600 at practice. only i could gain weight on that...fml

today
breakfast: 6 pieces of dry cereal, 25 cal