expectations

i was an even 130 this morning, so close to the 120's, but not there like i was expecting. oh well, i'm not giving up on it yet. sometimes i think my scale is just wacked out. i mean, honestly they're not meant for OCD weigh-ins because they say that they can be inaccurate by up to a few pounds. like whole entire pounds, that's a big deal. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop weighing myself, i have to stay accountable somehow. it just better go down by the end of this week or i will have absolutely no faith in mathematics and logic. 

it's monday, which means it's the day my best friend makes me go to the bakery with her for lunch or dinner (dinner tonight). I'm going to get a salad with no dressing and an apple, she's going to comment. i'm going to make up some lie. same routine every week, i wonder if she notices like i do. oh well. there's a "milk and cookies" sorority recruitment meeting tonight too, awesome...although i don't think turning those down will be too weird..i mean..it's for sororities, i'm sure like 10 percent or more of the girls that will be there are ana or mia. sad but true. 

feeling nauseous and weird. idk why. i had 7 baby carrots and 2 grapes so far today. maybe my stomach is weird because i took meds on an empty stomach? idk i've done that before though obviously...weird how sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. ugh, it feels like i'm going to throw up though, and i haven't eaten anything worth throwing up. 

so much work to do...have to catch up from missing all of last week...french test in an hour on a chapter that i wasn't there to learn. awesome. i can't focus at all. like at all. it's really bad. I know it's a side effect but i'd never really had a problem with it before. uh oh :(

idk i'm feeling weak. like mentally and physically. I kind of want to cave, like my body needs protein and carbs! but i won't...not until i at least get to see what the scale says tomorrow. if there's still no improvement then, then maybe i'll go back to straight up calorie restriction. it's just the 120's are like the perfect normal weight for me. i mean, they're not my ideal weight, but it's on the lower half of a healthy bmi (right now i'm like right in the middle of healthy) and then once i'm 110 i'll officially be underweight, which is perfect :) but i feel like it's going to take forever to get there considering how slow my weight loss is going these days. i just don't understand it. maybe i need to exercise more. god knows i can't eat much less. the roommates and i are going shopping this weekend i think. it's about time, my jeans are kind of falling off of me (the 5's), so i'm praying that i'll be a 4 like i ought to be. i think that might be one of the only things keeping me from bingeing this week. i think i'm a 4 right now, i just need the jeans to prove it, and if i fuck it up before this weekend there is no chance of me ever forgiving myself. and you know, once i'm a 4, that means i'm almost a 2, which is pretty close to perfect :) i don't think i want to be too too small? just tiny...just the perfect tininess. i like the word tiny more than little. some people call me tiny already, i have no idea how they see that, but i want to prove them right, i want to really be tiny. 

I'll keep you updated :)