pinky swears

I'm really upset with myself right now. I just broke the only promise I made to myself when I realized I was falling back into this trap.

Did I ever talk about how I've been down this road before? Yeah, freshman/sophomore years. I used to not eat breakfast or lunch, and then I'd have to eat dinner with my family or they would know what was going on. At first that was ok with me, but as i fell deeper and deeper I began to throw up after eating dinner. I was anorexic when I could be, and bulimic when necessary. It was screwing me up in so many ways, and eventually I ended up with a psychiatrist and a therapist. After "recovery" when I started falling back into the ways of ana, not too long (maybe a month?) before starting this blog, I promised myself that I would never purge again. I remembered how guilty, shameful, and disgusted it made me feel, and I never ever wanted to let myself go back to that. well, I'm so sorry, but I did.
I guess trying to make myself eat backfired on me. I forced myself to eat a normal meal (a quesadilla) and I guess I just couldn't handle it. eating like that made me feel so sick emotionally and physically. all i could think about was how I wanted to take it back, I needed to get rid of it. I needed to feel the emptiness of my stomach again, not stuffed like I'm some fat pig. So i went to the bathroom, stuck my finger down my throat, and made myself throw up.

My promise to myself: broken. just. like. that.
The really sad part? am I ashamed? yes. guilty? yes. disgusted? yes. all the feelings I remember, but I guess I must really be messed up by this point because all of that feels better to me than what i felt after I ate.

idk, I hope my blog has never encouraged anyone to have an eating disorder, that's not its purpose, and I would never wish that on anyone. It's just that I already have one, and I feel like this is one of the only ways that I can cope. And I do try my best to make this an honest portrayal of what goes on in my mind and my life, I'm not trying to sugar-coat this hell. and trust me, it is hell.