finally

So I finally broke through. I weighed in at 132.4 this morning, even after eating more than normal yesterday. I'm not really so excited about the number, just the fact that's it's FINALLY dropping, after I think an entire week of being 133/134. I'd already decided last night that I wasn't going to eat today though, so I'm sticking with that. It's for a mixture of reasons. Partially because I felt so so so awful when I was full yesterday, and I just love the idea of getting to feel this perfect emptiness for an entire day. Partially because my roommates are at this conference thing for the day, so no one is here to wonder why I'm not eating. And also, partially because I almost broke down and cried last night and idk why this makes me feel better but it has something to do with that control thing and I just need this as a way to make up for last night.

Last night he wanted to see me. So I went over to his room. but he was different. he smelled like smoke and honestly he really just wasn't acting like himself so I asked if he'd been smoking and he told me no, that I know he doesn't smoke. and I do know that. I guess maybe he just smelled like it from being at the frats that night. but then he seemed defensive and really off and at some point i asked him if he was on something and he got angry (in retrospect, i was an idiot to ask...i mean what kind of reaction was i expecting?) and we had a mini-spat. like not really a fight but still. it was the first even almost fight we've ever had. and then idk the rest of the night was just weird, he wasn't as sweet as he normally is to me and he was definitely drunk (which i think is what was off about him, he was just drunker than i had ever seen him before, he normally handles his alcohol really well) and i think he just didn't really think about some of the things he said, and some of them kind of hurt. actually really hurt. like he never insulted me or anything, he wouldn't do that. but like he did a complete 180 in terms of how our relationship was progressing. I feel like we're regressing now, and it sucks. and it hurts. and it made me feel cheap and I hate that. so I guess, idk, in a weird way I'm trying to empty myself of all those feelings. I just want to be hollow. I don't want to feel at all. It'd be so much easier if I just didn't care about any of it.

so anyway
breakfast: water, 0 cal
lunch: water, 0 cal